….well this is awkward. I am journaling publicly. So, I have to be consistent, and if I’m being honest, I haven’t been. I want certain things and haven’t been doing what I need to to get them. There. I said it. *intense shiver* I wish I could talk to you, but I know you won’t talk to me. It’s crazy because we probably shouldn’t talk. I haven’t gone on your Instagram, but I want to because I like to keep up with you. What am I talking about. I allowed so much to transpire between us that I should feel as if there is nothing left to be said. I told him….my new beau, well he’s not my beau BUT he’s the closest thing I have to that. Anyway, I told him how much you hurt me….
I am applying this, my journal entries, to my book. It is necessary. This is so therapeutic. Just typing. I wish it were this easy to write. But of course, I don’t write as fast as I type. Humility. I was humbled when I realized how much I take for granted, as well as how inconsistent I am. I expect a lot because of the effort I used to put into everything. Lately I’ve lost that fire. I know why; you. You motivated me because you were motivated. You were proud of me. That meant something. I have been humbled because I have not been consistent. That is something you re-instilled in me. If you’re reading this, I miss you. I still love you and I apologize. I lied to you, I didn’t love you as I professed I did. I lusted for your attention and affection, however consistently inconsistent.
Going on to the 30min mark of my break. I am eagerly anticipating my perfected articulation of each of those things. Humbled yet again. I have desired and even required a level of loyalty of which I am selective in giving.
Humility, to me, is recognizing that I am human and imperfect. I will mess up and can not expect something of someone when I make the same errors myself. Many lies I’ve told, to protect myself, others…. Many truths I’ve told to hurt someone…. But what it is that I desire…Truth beyond reproof and for lies [I’ve told] to die. Where do I start? I start by being more humble with each day. I start by getting the assistance I need to be the best version of me that I can be.